{"id":1480,"date":"2026-04-25T18:39:27","date_gmt":"2026-04-25T15:09:27","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/drhamidyousefi.com\/fight-properly-and-by-the-rules\/"},"modified":"2026-04-29T22:59:41","modified_gmt":"2026-04-29T19:29:41","slug":"fight-properly-and-by-the-rules","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/drhamidyousefi.com\/en\/fight-properly-and-by-the-rules\/","title":{"rendered":"Fight properly and by the rules"},"content":{"rendered":"<p lang=\"en\">Rules of Conflict for Couples<\/p>\n<p lang=\"en\"><strong>Golden Principles of \u201cHealthy Fighting\u201d for Couples<\/strong><\/p>\n<p lang=\"en\">Close relationships and shared life are inherently exposed to disagreement, conflict, and arguments. Part of the very meaning of a relationship lies in these differences and difficulties.<\/p>\n<p lang=\"en\">A healthy relationship does <strong>not<\/strong> mean having no conflicts or never arguing; it means managing emotions and conflicts in a way that prevents harmful consequences and negative outcomes.<\/p>\n<p lang=\"en\">Only then does this verse make sense:<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p lang=\"en\">I tear the thread of my love for you<\/p>\n<p lang=\"en\">So it may knot again with you, bringing me closer.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p lang=\"en\">When conflict is resolved properly, the relationship gains strength and deeper intimacy.<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<h3 lang=\"en\">1. Principle of Prevention: <em>Before<\/em> the Fight<\/h3>\n<ul lang=\"en\">\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en\"><strong>Recognize warning signs<\/strong><\/p>\n<p lang=\"en\">Rising physical tension, raised voices, avoiding eye contact, rapid breathing, black-and-white thoughts.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en\"><strong>Manage timing<\/strong><\/p>\n<p lang=\"en\">If one partner isn\u2019t mentally ready:<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p lang=\"en\">\u201cI can\u2019t talk properly right now; can we continue in thirty minutes?\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en\"><strong>Set a frame for the conversation<\/strong><\/p>\n<p lang=\"en\">A simple sentence like:<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p lang=\"en\">\u201cI want to talk about something, not have a fight.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<hr \/>\n<h3 lang=\"en\">2. Principle of Respect: <em>During<\/em> the Fight<\/h3>\n<p lang=\"en\">This is the most important part of the whole process.<\/p>\n<h4 lang=\"en\">A) Absolute No-Gos \u2013 \u201cRed Lines\u201d<\/h4>\n<ul lang=\"en\">\n<li>Contempt \/ belittling<\/li>\n<li>Overgeneralization (\u201cYou always\u2026\u201d, \u201cYou never\u2026\u201d)<\/li>\n<li>Insults<\/li>\n<li>Threats<\/li>\n<li>Comparing your partner to others<\/li>\n<li>Emotional withdrawal (coldness, no response, cutting off contact)<\/li>\n<li>\u201cBelow-the-belt\u201d hits (bringing up old wounds)<\/li>\n<li>Pathologizing (\u201cYou have a disorder\u201d, \u201cYou\u2019re sick\u201d)<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h4 lang=\"en\">B) Recommended Techniques<\/h4>\n<ul lang=\"en\">\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en\"><strong>\u201cI-statements\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p lang=\"en\">\u201cWhen you come home late, <em>I feel worried<\/em>, because\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en\"><strong>Focus on behavior, not personality<\/strong><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p lang=\"en\">\u201cThis behavior upset me,\u201d instead of \u201cYou are irresponsible.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en\"><strong>Reflective listening and clarifying the issue<\/strong><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p lang=\"en\">\u201cYou mean\u2026 Is that what you\u2019re trying to say?\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en\"><strong>Slow pace, low volume<\/strong><\/p>\n<p lang=\"en\">Speak slowly, calmly, and in small doses.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h4 lang=\"en\">C) Physiological Regulation<\/h4>\n<ul lang=\"en\">\n<li>A 30-second pause for slow breathing<\/li>\n<li>Drinking some water<\/li>\n<li>A brief time-out (2\u20135 minutes) <em>without<\/em> abandoning the conversation:<br \/>\n<blockquote>\n<p lang=\"en\">\u201cI need a moment to calm down; I\u2019ll come back.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<hr \/>\n<h3 lang=\"en\">3. Principle of Precision: How to Properly Express a Complaint<\/h3>\n<p lang=\"en\">An effective complaint should be:<\/p>\n<ul lang=\"en\">\n<li><strong>Specific<\/strong><\/li>\n<li><strong>Solvable<\/strong><\/li>\n<li><strong>Related to the present<\/strong><\/li>\n<li><strong>Oriented toward a shared goal<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p lang=\"en\"><strong>Example:<\/strong><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p lang=\"en\">\u201cIf you send a message when you\u2019re going to be late, I\u2019ll feel more secure.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p lang=\"en\"><strong>Incorrect approach:<\/strong><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p lang=\"en\">\u201cYou never understand what I\u2019m going through.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<hr \/>\n<h3 lang=\"en\">4. Principle of Empathy:<\/h3>\n<p lang=\"en\">Responding Properly to Your Partner\u2019s Feelings<\/p>\n<p lang=\"en\">Three steps:<\/p>\n<ol lang=\"en\">\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en\"><strong>Noticing the feeling<\/strong><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p lang=\"en\">\u201cI can see you\u2019re upset.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en\"><strong>Naming the feeling<\/strong><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p lang=\"en\">\u201cYou seem angry.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en\"><strong>Validating the feeling<\/strong><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p lang=\"en\">\u201cIt makes sense to feel this way.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<hr \/>\n<h3 lang=\"en\">5. Principle of Problem-Solving: <em>After<\/em> the Tension Drops<\/h3>\n<ul lang=\"en\">\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en\"><strong>Shared one-sentence summary<\/strong><\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p lang=\"en\">\u201cSo we agreed to try doing X about this issue this week.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en\"><strong>Agree on one small, measurable action<\/strong><\/p>\n<p lang=\"en\">Not a huge change, not vague promises.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en\"><strong>End the discussion with a small caring gesture<\/strong><\/p>\n<p lang=\"en\">A touch, a simple sentence, or even just a brief thank you or apology.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<hr \/>\n<h3 lang=\"en\">6. Principle of Recovery: <em>After<\/em> the Fight<\/h3>\n<ul lang=\"en\">\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en\">Take 20\u201330 minutes of mental distance.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en\">Return to the conversation:<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p lang=\"en\">\u201cWhich part of what I said wasn\u2019t fair? What hurt you?\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n<p lang=\"en\">Use relationship \u201crepair tools\u201d:<\/p>\n<p lang=\"en\">A small joke, a short and clear apology, acknowledgment of one\u2019s mistake.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<hr \/>\n<h3 lang=\"en\">7. Principle of Fairness: Shared Responsibility<\/h3>\n<p lang=\"en\">Conflict is always two-sided.<\/p>\n<p lang=\"en\">There are 4 types of responsibility:<\/p>\n<ul lang=\"en\">\n<li>Behavior<\/li>\n<li>Tone<\/li>\n<li>Reaction<\/li>\n<li>Personal history<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p lang=\"en\">Each person accepts <em>their own share<\/em> \u2014 no more, no less.<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<h3 lang=\"en\">Practical Conflict-Resolution Checklist<\/h3>\n<ul lang=\"en\">\n<li>No contempt<\/li>\n<li>No shouting<\/li>\n<li>No \u201cyou always \/ you never\u201d<\/li>\n<li>Use \u201cI\u201d instead of \u201cyou\u201d<\/li>\n<li>Focus on the issue, not the partner\u2019s character<\/li>\n<li>Pause, breathe, take a short break, and then return<\/li>\n<li>Summarize at the end<\/li>\n<li>Agree on one small, measurable action<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p lang=\"en\">Fight properly and by the rules.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Rules of Conflict for Couples Golden Principles of \u201cHealthy Fighting\u201d for Couples Close relationships and shared life are inherently exposed &#8230; <a class=\"cz_readmore\" href=\"https:\/\/drhamidyousefi.com\/en\/fight-properly-and-by-the-rules\/\"><i class=\"fa fa-angle-left\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/i><span>\u0627\u062f\u0627\u0645\u0647 \u0645\u0637\u0644\u0628<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":1481,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[92],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1480","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-psychological-writings"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v27.3 (Yoast SEO v27.4) - 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