Three Common Parenting Mistakes That Make a Child’s Defiance Worse
When managing a child’s defiant behavior, there are three very common parenting mistakes that, according to developmental and behavioral psychology, unintentionally reinforce defiance.
These mistakes usually stem from good intentions, but they often produce the opposite effect.
1. Engaging in a Power Struggle
One of the most common mistakes is when a parent turns the situation into a battle of wills with the child.
A common example:
Child: “I don’t want to go to bed!”
Parent: “You have to go to bed, no matter what!”
At this point, bedtime is no longer the child’s main concern.
Instead, winning the struggle becomes the goal.
From a developmental psychology perspective, children in this situation are trying to protect their sense of autonomy. The more direct pressure they feel, the stronger their resistance becomes.
A Better Approach
- Reduce direct confrontation.
- Offer limited choices.
For example:
“Would you like to read a story first and then go to bed, or brush your teeth first and then read a story?”
In this approach, the parent remains in control of the boundaries while the child feels involved in the decision-making process.
2. Using Unrealistic Threats or Punishments
Sometimes parents try to stop a child’s behavior by making extreme threats, such as:
- “You’ll never watch cartoons again.”
- “I’m going to take you to the police.”
- “If you do that again, I won’t love you anymore.”
This approach has several major problems:
- Children quickly realize that the threats aren’t realistic.
- The parent’s credibility is weakened.
- The emotional bond between parent and child is damaged.
Educational psychology emphasizes that consequences should be realistic, enforceable, and directly related to the behavior.
A better example:
“If you throw your toys, they’ll need to be put away for a while.”
This consequence is:
- Clear
- Enforceable
- Directly connected to the behavior
3. Giving Too Much Attention to Negative Behavior
Children are highly attention-driven. Even negative attention can serve as a reward.
When a child:
- Screams
- Acts defiantly
- Has a dramatic crying episode
and the parent:
- Engages in a long argument
- Repeats explanations over and over
- Gives the child their full attention
a learning cycle is unintentionally created:
Defiant behavior → Parent’s attention → Behavior is reinforced
Meanwhile, positive behavior is often overlooked.
A More Effective Strategy
- Mild negative behavior → Minimal attention
- Positive behavior → Immediate attention and praise
For example:
“I noticed you put on your shoes by yourself. Great job!”
A Golden Rule of Parenting
Children learn far more from what they experience than from what they are told.
In other words:
- Consistent boundaries
- Predictable consequences
- A secure emotional relationship
gradually transform defiance into cooperation and healthy self-regulation.
Lamat Psychology
This channel shares articles and educational content related to psychology and psychiatry.
Channel ID:
https://ble.ir/jamehvasalamtravan
Dr. Hamid Yousefi
Psychiatrist
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